ELEANOR: Don't worry, Grace. Marvin will fill you in on all that stuff.
GRACE: That's right, Eleanor. Who's Marvin?
LEO: That'd be me.
GRACE: Your name is Marvin?
LEO: Yeah, yeah. People always call me "Leo"... 'cause my name's Marvin.
JACK: [LAUGHS WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CAKE] You just married a guy, and you don't even know his name? Silly.
KAREN: It's okay, honey. He's been calling you "Grace" this whole time.
GRACE: I don't know your name?
LEO: Come on, my first wife didn't have a problem with that. Huh? [LAUGHS]
GRACE: You were married before?!
LEO: Okay, wrong time to try that joke. [QUIETLY] Are you okay, baby?
GRACE: Um, no, I'm-- Excuse me. [GRACE EXITS.]
LEO: Excuse me. [LEO EXITS AFTER HER.]
BOBBI: I knew she'd cock it up.
[GRACE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR. LEO FOLLOWS HER IN.]
LEO: Where are you going? You're blowin' this way out of proportion.
GRACE: [SIGHS] You're like a stranger to me... Marvin. I might as well have married my Israeli pen pal from when I was 15 who sent me love letters on Hello Kitty stationary.
LEO: Actually over there it'd be Shalom Kitty.
GRACE: [UPSET] Please don't joke right now. That was weird up there. I don't even know when your birthday is.
LEO: Okay, you wanna know some stuff about me? Here you go. I believe when I hold my breath, the guy on TV's going to make the basket. I'm in a Doors cover band, consisting entirely of surgeons called "The Operating Room Doors." And my deepest, darkest secret is that I don't like any food with raisins in it, but I do like raisins.
GRACE: See, we already have a problem. I love raisins. In everything! I even went to see A Raisin in the Sun because I thought there'd be raisins in it.
LEO: Grace, we have a whole lifetime to get to know each other, baby.
GRACE: I don't know. I don't know. I just wish that there was some way that we could be sure we were doing the right thing, you know. Just... a sign, something.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. KATIE COURIC IS WAITING TO GET ON.]
GRACE: Katie? Hi!
KATIE: [UNDER HER BREATH] Crap. [TO GRACE AND LEO] Hi! Thanks for watching! Do you have your own pens?
GRACE: No, no, no. It's Grace and Leo. Remember, from the other day in the park. We got married because of you.
LEO: Actually I got a colonoscopy because of you too. Not on the same day, though. And not in the park.
KATIE: Eee, the wedding. Sorry about that.
GRACE: What? What do you mean?
KATIE: No one called you? Ooh, awkward. We're scrapping the whole wedding segment, because the judge performing the ceremony wasn't licensed in New York. So all those marriages are invalid. Oops! Last time I use Tom Brokaw's nephew as my fact checker.
[KATIE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE.]
GRACE: I guess I wanted a sign, and I think I got it. We're not married.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY. LEO STOPS HER.]
LEO: Hey, Grace. Grace! Hey, hey, hey. We'll go to city hall tomorrow. We'll do it all over again.
GRACE: I don't know that I can.
LEO: Why? Why not? What's changed?
GRACE: Everything has changed. I mean, the first time I said yes, it was impulsive and romantic and to a guy named Leo. And now-- [SIGHS] We know nothing about each other.
LEO: I knew everything I needed to know about you the first time I held your hand. Grace, we're already married. The rest is paperwork.
GRACE: How can you be so sure?
LEO: Because when it's right, you just know. You remember Tuesday? We woke up. I said, "Morning, wife." You said, "Hello, husband." Remember that? Remember how great that was? I want every day to be Tuesday.
GRACE: Every day can't be Tuesday. Today's Saturday, so it can't be Tuesday. Monday can't be Tuesday. Tuesday can't-- Well, Tuesday can, but Wednesday definitely can't be Tues--
LEO: Listen, listen, listen. Just come up with me. And I promise you everything is going to be fine. Please.
GRACE: I can't. I need time. I'm sorry.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, ENJOYING CAKE.]
KAREN: That was wild, wasn't it, Jackie? The way Grace just kind of spooked and ran off. Kind of like Rosie whenever I fire my gun in her room just as she's falling asleep.
JACK: Yeah, she's really upset. I've never seen Grace actually run from a cake.
KAREN: No.
[LEO ENTERS AND TAKES THE STAGE.]
LEO: Um, hi, everyone. I-I have a little bit of an announcement to make. Grace and I ran into Katie Couric in the lobby--
EVERYBODY: Oh!
LEO: And she said that we weren't really married.
EVERYBODY: Aw!
LEO: Turns out the judge that married us wasn't really legit, so... Anyway, we have this place till midnight, so stick around, you know. There's cake, there's booze, there's dancing. Well, have fun.
WILL: Leo, hey. I--I'm sorry. You okay?
LEO: I'm about as good as Bill Buckner of the '86 Red Sox.
WILL: Ooh, ouch. I'm sorry.
LEO: Do you even know what that means?
WILL: No, but anybody that's got 43 pairs of red socks obviously had issues. Where's Grace?
LEO: She took off. She--she was pretty freaked out. Can I borrow your phone, man? I think I need to call her.
GRACE: Uh, Leo, I think you might wanna give her some time right now. I know Grace. She's not like you. She's not impulsive. She once bought Impulse perfume and then returned it. That's why this whole getting married in the park thing all seemed so weird to me.
LEO: Yeah, well, I guess I should send everyone home.
[WILL SITS DOWN WITH KAREN AND JACK. LEO GETS ON THE STAGE AGAIN.]
LEO: Hi, it's me again. Listen, you're not going to like what you're about to hear.
GRACE: [ENTERING, HIGH-PITCHED OFF-KEY SINGING] Please don't let this feeling end, it not might come again, and I want to remember.
WILL: [TO KAREN] To be fair, he did say we wouldn't like what we were about to hear. [KAREN NODS.]
LEO: I thought you needed time to think.
GRACE: I did. And I realized I want today to be Tuesday.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS.]
KAREN: It's Tuesday? How long have I been out?
GRACE: Okay. So our first wedding didn't take. But we're havin' another one! And a real one this time. As for all these, ah, these lovely presents, I-I don't really know the protocol. Let's just call them engagement gifts. Bring another one at the wedding.
SCENE IV: The Synagogue
(Guests are arriving... WILL is in the foyer. He takes a skull cap from the basket of kippot and puts it on his head. He moves to the guest book.)
WILL: [TO THE GUESTS] Don't forget to sign the guest book. Okay, who wrote, "If it doesn't work out, call me." That's tacky. Don't forget to sign the guest book.
JACK: [ENTERING] Oh, perfect. I've been looking for this.
[JACK TAKES TWO SKULL CAPS AND PUTS THEM UNDER HIS TUX-COAT AS SHOULDER PADS.]
WILL: That's a little inappropriate!
JACK: Please. This is inappropriate? How about inviting people to watch a man and woman get married? Look how good it makes my shoulders look.
[WILL PULLS HIS OFF AND PUTS IT IN UNDER HIS COAT AND GRABS ANOTHER ONE
JACK: Well, Will. Congratulations. I think you've done a fantastic job at planning this wedding. I take my pants off to you.
WILL: You've gotta be kidding me. The photographer's late. Four people who RSVP'd "no" just arrived with dates. And the cake shows up with two grooms on it. Is the whole city gay?
JACK: Not yet. [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT] But if all goes as planned, come Monday morning... [WRINGS HIS HANDS WITH AN EVIL LAUGH] Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
WILL: And look at these boutonnieres. Dead.
JACK: They're fine.
WILL: They're dead, my friend. They just made contact with John Edward.
WILL: [YELLING AT A GUEST] Hey, hey, hey! Sign that guest book!
JACK: Lady, you're a wreck!
[JACK SLAPS WILL ACROSS THE FACE.]
JACK: But it's understandable. Today's a big day for you. You're not just losing a best friend, you're also losing a hag.
WILL: She's not my hag, okay? She's the most important person in my life, who used to be in love with me, and who for the last 15 years has never left my side. [VOICE BREAKING] She's been a hell of a hag.
[JOE AND LARRY ENTER.]
LARRY: Hey, Will.
WILL: Hey.
[LARRY HUGS WILL.]
LARRY: Hey. Are you okay?
WILL: Sure, why wouldn't I be?
LARRY: 'Cause you're losing your girl. You're single again.
JOE: Boy, I miss those days...
LARRY: That can be arranged!
JOE: I'm joking! I was joking.
[JOE HEADS IN.]
LARRY: [QUIETLY TO WILL] But if you know anyone.
